Ever wonder why communications breakdown, or how to keep them from doing so? John Gottman is a research psychologist who looks at what makes relationships succeed or fail. His findings are often counter intuitive and applicable to not just marriages but to all of our relations.
John and his team filmed and analyzed thousands of hours of footage of couples arguing. By painstakingly examining these videos they were able to see how body language, word choices and even eye movements effect whether or not a relationship will last.
What they learned enabled them to predict to within 94 percent accuracy which couples were headed for divorce within three years and which were not. Again while the focus of these studies were marriages, the findings apply to all relationships whether they be with friends, family or co-workers.
Effective communications are at the heart of a low stress and high satisfaction lifestyle. In general, non-defensive behaviors and fully listening are the key to getting along with and effectively cooperating with those around you. Staying engaged and curious (and allowing emotions) while encouraging the same presence in those around you is key.
Here is what John and his crew recommend:
- Remove blame from your comments
- Say how you feel
- Don’t criticize or analyze another’s personality (focus rather on their specific actions)
- Don’t use sarcasm
- Be direct
- Address one situation at a time
- Don’t assume what someone else is thinking (inquire instead)
- Be as specific as possible when sharing a grievance
- Emphasize we-ness over separateness
- Try not to interrupt
- Take time to pause and cool off
- When upset use “I” instead of “you”
- Remember challenges as glorified struggles as a opposed as disappointing failures
- Don’t counter attack
- Don’t cave in to another’s anger
- Stay curious
- Avoid being defensive or acting like a victim
- When necessary agree to disagree
Phrases or getting back on track when things get derailed.
- “Please let me finish.”
- “We’re getting off topic”
- “Please stop interrupting me”
- “That’s off the subject”
Unproductive body language
- False or sarcastic smiles
- Shifting body from side to side (as if avoiding a punch)
- Folding arms across the chest
- Rolling eyes
- Pursing lips
For indicating you are listening
- “uh-huh”
- “oh I see”
- “hmmmmmm”
- “go ahead”
- “I’m listening”
- “I can see why you’d feel that way/think that”
- “Yeah (said periodically)”
- “Right”
You are a social being. Taking the time to increase the quality of your interactions cultivates your social landscape. Encouraging honest and smooth communication makes everything easier and more efficient.